I feel disjointed. fucked up and mad.
I walk around most of the day feeling like the shit that someones scraped off a shoe. Im fat. I understand that. Im not the most attractive girl in the world, I get it. Im not the smartest, or the coolest. I dont know a thing about trend or whats hot.
And I walk around with this invisible thin voiced mantra in my head reminding me of it. Then on top of that me reminding myself twice about things. "Dont eat too much at lunch. They stare. Double check the mirror, a funny thing, hair/makeup/fly down, its always twice as bad when you're fat. Smile big, be nice, work harder, complain less.
And then today I looked at myself. Nodded. Understood that all those things are true, but Im fucking fun. Funny. Creative. Outgoing. I can cook like a mofuck. I love like noone on this earth. I have a beautiful son. Im compassionate and Empathetic. I fucking rock.
Everybody's gotta have something,a nd if it comes down to what I have versus Super pretty. I'll take this thank you very much.
Thu, Mar. 22nd, 2007, 07:52 pm
I know you.
I know what you'll do.
Every time I tell you that you're being neglectful. That you're ignoring the fact you have a child.
"Works been hectic" "I dont know where my head is at" "Im having communicating with everyone" "I dont know, Im just.. distant. Life is hard"
and in the end your son suffers for it. We send pictures as often as we can. Updates. Videos. You pitched a fit. Cried because we were moving away. made sure to tell me to read to him. to ask for updates. Cried when you thought he wouldnt remember you. Now When you visited us, It was fucking pulling teeth to get you to hold him. It was Like stabbing Jesus to get you to smile at him. spend time with him. all you wanted was to sit around and pretend like you were deep and esoteric. That you were a writer and all the other emo bullshit you always pretend.
You never came for your son. You came to pretend that you were a good person.
And just now you told me "I know I suck at communicating, but there's nothing I can do about it"
I gave you the option to go away. So that I wouldnt have to explain the existance of a half in half out father. So my child when he gets old enough wouldnt feel abandoned. So that you couldnt sashay in when you 'finally' felt like standing up and being a father.
Instead you act self righteous when I poke you for attention towards him. I dont ask you for support. Food. Clothes. gifts. And you dont offer either.
Its obvious. I've been oblivious to so many things in my life before now, but Im going to stop pretending that I dont know the math.
It all equals that you're a sad shit, and you dont care. Not even about your son.
as many of you already Know... Im an idiot.
Was in a hurry to get the little kidlet in the car and out of the cold, and left my wallet and my nice new vid/pic/mp3playing camera on top of the Truck. Doors were closed, Gas pedals were pressed... and Camera's and wallets took to flight, and as we might have guessed... came crashing down.
I have titled today... Icarus Returns.
luckily enough I found my wallet still intact and non wet and non frozey. and I found bits of my camera... one of the rechargable batteries...a lens and the lcd screen. Poor little icarus.
I suppose a little tragedy always comes to balance the goodness. If I have to suffer a destroyed camera to balance out a Big helping of Book visiting and a new (well new to me) car... then I might go smash another *laughs*
In the mean time, I need to name the new wheels. SUGGESTIONS.
Oh. and I miss you charlie. come play with me and the baby.
You dont know this, I dont think.
Ache laced with tears. cause its constant. A throb down somewhere so deep fingers cant reach and kisses and kind words cant soothe.
Yes. We're here again, over and over.
There are promises that one day it will end, but on nights like this... they go on forever.
I ache and lust and want so hard that it burns. Im slowly turning cinder on the inside.
We've heard, said, played all this before. I know I know I know I know. But I am again on my knees in front of the echoes I have of you.
Clawing for any little bit of you to hold to me and coax into being just real enough.
Tell me again over and over.
Tell me. Promise me. Sing me to dream of the day when it will end.
Most days you cant break my spirit. Most Nights you cant get me to sing a song as sad as this.
But this isnt most times.
This is a night that feels forbidden and hollow. So close but so so far.
A taste a touch a tease
In this Pedantic Lullaby
Family: A group of people related to one by blood or marriage. Usually made up of insufferable cunts and assholes that, despite that fact, we love endlessly. That we would gladly suffer for, and define the phrase "a labor of love"
Tonight at just a little past 11, I recieved the call from the hospital to tell me that my aunt had passed away.
Im not holding it together as well as I thought I would. I could fill in all the tripe about how we knew it was coming. How she fought and held on longer than anyone thought that she would, but in earnest, it doesnt make me miss her any less. No, she wasnt a kind woman. No, she wasnt the sweetest. I'd lie if I wrote here that she would have laid down her life for any and everyone. That she was honest and genuine and a beautiful spirit.
But what she was, was my family. She was a hell cat. She did the best she could with all she knew how. She was tenacious in a billion ways, and did all she could with her job.
Despite the fact that she and I both were privy to the true natures of one another, we were close, probably closer than I was to anyone else related to me short of my uncle Gary or my parents. She knew so many of my crazy dark secrets, and I hers. Family is such a funny fickle thing.
but now she's gone. Im relieved in a way. That she's not suffering in some crazed uncontrollable fit of pain. rolling around unable to speak or communicate. Pulling at her ears and dragging her nails across her face. Im glad that coated with pain killers she went peaceful in what I hope were dreams.
I want to wash the last images of her from my mind. the helpless puffed up features. Having to help my fiercly independent aunt do small things like go to the bathroom. brush her hair or put on her slippers. I want to remember the vixen. The loud laugher. The slightly sinister mischevious woman that was before that. And I will. I've intentionally not taken any photos of her in her last days.
I'll miss avoiding her terrible deserts at the holidays. Pretending that it didnt get old when she kept telling me that we were both the black sheep of the family.
She and I lived together for a short time, less than a year, but dear god I'll miss the insanity and adventure that it was living with her.
I dont want to sit here and say undue ridiculous things about her. I hope noone does after Im gone either. I want to hear the truth while Im lurking about and my body is going where ever it might be headed. I want to hear "Man, She could be a royal cunt sometimes" or "Do you remember the time she was an idiot and made a complete ass out of herself?"
Im rambling now. but I suppose you'll have that. In the end what I want to say is that I'll miss her. Another little peice of our family chipped away and now we're one smaller.
Rest Easy Elsie. *laughs* we'll all see you one day soon enough.
Yes. vanity time. Its purple again, but I'll take some shots tomorrow so you can actually tell its purple.
Oh no, what the hell is that on the puter. MUST LOOK
Yesh. I am teh Dork. Its late. I sleep now
Im not a smart girl by any means. But I never fancied myself all that dim either.
..... and somehow Im surprised that it ranked me this high given that I did my best to miss as much of high school as I possibly could. *nods*
bad bad lighting. but you get the picha.
goes in the mail tommorow
little bit better, but still shitty